


beyond the aftermath

by piecesofgold



Category: Titans (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Post-Season/Series 02 Finale, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21619288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piecesofgold/pseuds/piecesofgold
Summary: Gar doesn't sleep anymore.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Garfield Logan, Kon-El | Conner Kent & Garfield Logan, Koriand'r & Garfield Logan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 110





	beyond the aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> no i don't want to talk about the finale yes i hated it yes i'm going to write about gar's trauma because apparently the actual writers don't want to. augh. enjoy.

Gar doesn’t sleep anymore. At least, not as much as he used to.

After Trigon, he slept days away.

After - after Slade, after CADMUS and Mercy Graves, sleep is an option he won’t allow himself. The nightmares wouldn’t let him, anyway.

He lost too much time to CADMUS. He won’t lose any time now.

There’s a scar, on the back of his neck, mostly healed. Every so often he’ll pinch it, feels the jolts of pain like tiny reassurances that this is _real_ , not one of Mercy Graves’ illusions.

Donna's dead. She's - _dead_. Rachel is gone. Jason is AWOL. Rose is apparently a new permanent resident in the Tower, though Gar isn’t entirely sure she deserves their trust.

Screw that, she definitely doesn’t.

“Hey,” Dick murmurs, nudging his foot under the table, voice low enough for the others not hear. “I know Kory cooked it, but it really doesn’t taste that bad.”

Gar blinks, suddenly realising he’s been picking blankly at his food for the last ten minutes. Hastily, he clears his throat, stuffs food into his mouth. “Uh, yeah.”

He feels Dick’s gaze pinned to him the whole time he’s forcing himself to eat, only sliding away when half his plate has been cleared.

Later, the memory of blood dripping from his chin will force everything out of his stomach, make him press his forehead against the cool bathroom marble and fight not to pass out from the onslaught of memories, the blood on his hands, the violence he was forced to inflict.

His body doesn’t feel like his own.

* * *

Conner doesn’t sleep much, either. Gar doesn’t actually know if Conner _needs_ sleep, but he never brings it up, not when Conner sitting beside him on the sofa is the only time he feels even a little bit human, staring blankly at whatever is playing on TV.

Krypto curls up beside them, like he knows something’s wrong. Like he knows it’s the only contact Gar can bare to have.

“I don’t get it.”

Gar starts. “What?”

Conner gestures towards the episode of _The Twilight Zone_ they’ve apparently been watching. “I don’t understand any of this.”

“Yeah, you and everyone watching.”

Conner frowns but doesn’t say anything further, eyes glazing over as a new episode starts.

Gar pats Krypto’s heads, stares up at the ceiling and tries to turn his brain off, wants nothing more than blissful white noise. The clock reads 2:27am.

Kory finds them later, both still wide awake. Gar’s on his fourth cup of coffee and Conner listlessly flipping channels. He can’t bring himself to look at the concern in her eyes.

“Boys,” she says softly, “go to bed. Please. You can’t keep doing this.”

Gar bites back a snappish remark, because _fuck_. So what if it’s not good for him, because at least he has the capacity to _make the choice_ to do it, warped logic be damned. He’s too tired.

* * *

Dick and Kory - they’re trying, he knows that.

Dick makes sure he eats, is there during the rare occasions Gar dozes off and wakes up screaming, sits in the chair beside his bed until Gar is almost calmed down.

In all honesty, he can’t tell if Dick actually cares or if he’s trying to make up for his own guilt. Gar appreciates him admitting his fault in Gar and Conner being abducted, but ppreciation and acceptance isn’t the same as forgiveness, or rebuilding on the fragile trust they share now.

“I’m not saying I don’t trust you,” Gar tries, throat dry. “I just -”

“Gar,” Dick stops him, gentle. “It’s alright. I haven’t earned that trust back yet. Hey,” he leans forward when Gar huffs and looks away. “Take all the time you need, and when you’re ready, we can get you help. Both of you.”

“What, like a superhero therapist?”

The corner of Dick’s mouth turns up. “Something like that.”

“I thought part of the gig was repressed trauma and revenge as a driving force.” Gar’s being sarcastic, but Dick’s face changes.

“Grief doesn’t evaporate because the world needs saving,” he says carefully. Gar frowns.

“That doesn’t sound like a Batman line.”

It’s Dick’s turn to look away. “Diana, actually.”

Kory’s approach is more tactical - she’ll take them on _spontaneous_ days out, take them all over the city, buy them street food for dinner and wear them out so that they _do_ sleep. 

“I know what you’re doing,” Gar yawns one evening, halfway asleep.

Kory brushes a hand over his forehead. “And?”

He closes his eyes. “Thank you.”

She pulls the blanket futher over him. "I know, Gar. It's okay. We're gonna be okay."

The most Gar manages to sleep after those days is four or five hours. He never tries to stop her.

* * *

“Do you remember any of it?” Conner asks into the dark of his bedroom.

“No,” Gar’s answer is too fast. They both know he’s lying. He feels the mattress shift as Conner rolls over, hears Krypto whine softly.

“I can still hear her,” Conner whispers, voice shaking, “In my head. Like she’s still there.”

Gar’s head is pounding. He wants to talk about literally anything else. “She’s not, Con. She’s gone.”

“Do you -”

“Dude, I really don’t want to talk about -”

“ _Gar._ ” He feels Conner push himself up, plea in his voice. “Please.”

There’s a long, tense silence between them. Gar presses the scar on his neck, hard.

“Everything,” he says finally. “Is that what you want to hear? I remember everything.”

He’d imagined a weight off his chest, admitting that. He doesn’t feel anything but anger and exhaustion. He doesn’t know what to _do_ with them, where to put them.

“I want to go home,” he whispers, surprising himself.

“Isn’t this your home?” Conner sounds utterly confused, but Gar doesn’t expect him to understand.

His home is Larry’s cooking, Rita’s smile and Cliff swearing like a sailor. His home is his room full of original vinyls and classic films and video games. He misses them so much he could cry.

Not Caulder. Caulder was the evil thing poisoning his home who hurt him almost as much as Mercy. He’d left one home, one family to form another in the real world, a world he thought he’d find a place in.

“I don’t know,” Gar admits.

He thinks about what Mercy asked him, once. _Did he ever ask you what you want, for yourself? Has anyone? Or do they just string you along, using you for their own ends with little concern for you or your own welfare?_

Caulder used to call him selfish for wanting anything for himself. Mercy said he wasn’t selfish enough, then stole any choice he had to be.

Gar doesn’t know what the hell he is, now.

“Dick says we’re a family,” Conner sounds so vulnerable, Gar feels bad for bringing it up.

“Yeah.” He pauses. “But I don’t think it means what he thinks it does, anymore.” _It won’t for a while, at least_.

“I want it to,” Conner says. “I - I want this family. With you. And the others. Eve, too.”

Gar doesn’t dare move. He’d wanted that too, a million years ago. God, he still _does._ Like Dick had said, he’d fought like hell to keep the Titans together when the others hadn’t. That had to have meant something. He’s earned his place here, he must have. He’s _allowed_ to be selfish with this, allowed to _want_ it.

He shuts his eyes, bone-tired. “I know, Conner. I want it, too.”

He just wonders how long it’ll take them, take _him_ to return to a version that isn’t so deeply fractured and distrustful. To believe it can’t be like this forever.

Gar wants that. More than anything.

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this was other than me Projecting and channeling how mad i am @ the show rn but whatever hope u liked it


End file.
